Wednesday, January 14, 2015

The day I cried at Chipotle

Sure, it could have been the hormones but I believe it was more than that. My day started out typical for this stage in my life. Showered, got dressed, loaded the dishwasher, prepped what I could for dinner, tended to the sleepy two year old and greeted my Mother in law. As I drove to the neonatologist I began to feel nervous. I knew what this meant for my blood pressure and I knew what it meant for my appointment. Not good. The nerves stemmed from things like the need to go to the neonatologist, Josh not being with me, and not quite being to the point where one could tell I was pregnant. Nearly every morning the first thought that crosses my mind is, "I wonder if the baby is still in there, still growing and heart still beating..." Following my nearly 4 hours of appointments I found myself quite hungry so I went to Chipotle. There it happened. Sitting in a corner during a busy lunch hour I wept...

I cried because the baby is still there and everything looks great. I cried because I got yet another diagnosis and condition to deal with. I cried because I was told it would be this way for every pregnancy. I cried because there was a moment when I realized my doctors want what is best for me AND the baby. I cried because I also realized that my doctors aren't fawning over me because something is wrong... They are doing it because nothing is wrong and they want it to stay that way this time. I cried because I realized that by some miracle I have not one but two physicians that are standing behind my EVERY decision and cheering me on. I cried because I realized that I have finally chosen the right career path as it has added to my knowledge about myself and my babies. I cried because I realized (once again) that our God is so big and none of this has to do with me. It is out of my control and in His hands and for that I am forever grateful! 

*This post is not done. It's not organized and neat but I needed to do it. I needed to do it today because my being was telling me to be vulnerable and to let my amazing community know I need prayer. I'm an anxious, scared pregnant lady with a likely reoccurring condition. Not a good mix! 

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